By Sarah Godfrey
Ever looked across a party and to your surprise you see your psychologist twerking like there is no tomorrow? Or committing PDA’s with their partners? Or have you walked through a shopping centre to find your counsellor looking frazzled as they steer crying, misbehaving children through the crowds?
I have been a practising psychologist for a long time. It’s a funny kind of job because it isn’t really a job. Being a psychologist is a 24 hour a day, 365 days a year commitment. That’s because people in treatment cannot simply shut off their distress because its Friday. Crisis happens any time and we need to respond whether it’s when you’re having dinner with your family; when you are on holiday; at 2.00am in the morning or 10 minutes into your first date. In America 8.7 million people were treated for depression in 2007. The statistics are higher now. In the U.K, 84% of people presenting to G.Ps have a mental health issue (stress and anxiety being the most common). Part of our job is that our professional lives clash with our personal lives. It’s what we do and we knew it when we signed up for the career.
Like a principal of a school, a teacher, a doctor or a psychiatrist our roles seem to define us beyond the job description. What is not often talked about, is where our personal lives intersect with people’s images of how a psychologist should be out of work. The funny thing is most people assume we are psychologist 24 hours a day and can be shocked when they catch us behaving in ways that they might.
So what happens when you spot your shrink getting jiggy with it and making a fool of themselves? Does the confidence you held for that therapist come crashing down or do you shrug and move on? And what about when you find out that person you have sat next to at dinner, (yes, the one you just told all that inappropriate personal stuff to), is a practicing psychologist? Does it matter? Do you wish you had said nothing?
People are often surprised to meet psychologists out and about. It’s like we only gather in huddles with our kind. (I think a huddle of psychologist is pretty apt. We like to sit close together and talk in low, unthreatening tones. Maybe it should be a whisper of psychologists).
What are the expectation of those we meet and treat about who we are, how we behave away from our consulting rooms? In other words when is a psychologist allowed not to be a psychologist? Would you respect your psychologist opinion if you spotted them on the dance floor twerking like Miley Cyrus at the MTV awards. Would it change the therapeutic relationship? Or would you yell out, “Go Girl!” and admire their talent to bust a move.
Friends and family, as well as strangers, may have an implicit belief psychologist should always be ‘on.’ How many times have you said or thought, “As a psychologist they should understand, get it, know better” or any number of assumptions that imply psychologist in their personal lives and interactions should always be thinking analytically and professionally?
Don’t they get time off too? Are they not allowed to make mistakes and say the wrong thing in their personal lives just like everyone else? When do they and those around them switch off the therapy light and let the personal self roam free?
What this parallel role can do is make psychologist somewhat inhibited. Perhaps less relaxed and more mindful of their position and the impact their role can have on people ( hence a reputation of being serious and inhibited or even, yes, boring). They are in a perpetual state of balancing the need to experience life in all its brilliance and mess just like everyone else and the need for others to see them a professional representation of mental wellbeing.
So if you see a psychologist and they are twerking away on the dance floor, perhaps don’t judge their professionalism and expertise by their bad dancing choices. Better to give a cheer and remind yourself they are human after all and capable, just like everyone else, of self-inflicted humiliation.
Unless of course it is me. Then I would classify seeing such a sight as a risk to the public. In which case please ask me to stop, throw a jacket over me and call me a cab.
In the meantime here are some things that might be useful next time you run into your psychologist adapted from some helpful tips by Salman Akhtar MD.
We usually take our cue from you. We will steer clear of saying hi unless you indicate in some way that it is OK. You are free to make the choice that feels right to you at the time. There is no judgment either way.
If we do greet each other, we do our best to put you at ease, keeping conversation friendly, short and sweet. Because we are the professional in the relationship, the onus is on us to give guidance at a time when you may feel vulnerable.
Let’s agree that neither party will say anything referring to your therapeutic work or relationship like, “I’m having trouble with that homework you gave me.” Or “We’ll talk about that in our next session.” In other words what happens in session stays in session.
If other people are present, do not feel obliged to introduce us. We will understand your need for privacy. Likewise we probably won’t introduce you to whoever we are with, but if we do, do not feel obliged to say anything beyond, “Nice to meet you.”
Debrief the encounter in your next session if you have any lingering concerns, whether or not you actually greeted us, if you have any thoughts at all about running into us in public, what you said, didn’t say… we can air it all out together.
An ounce of prevention… Ask your therapist what to expect if you run into us in public before it happens. Such a conversation could be helpful to us both.
And if you do end up sitting next to a shrink at a dinner party, here is a gentle word of advice,
We are not reading your mind. The more bizarre your reaction is, the more we will be inclined to analyse you. Other than that we really have no professional investment in your chatter but we may have a personal interest just like anyone else.
Sarah Godfrey is a Psychologist and Director of Moving Mindsets Psychology Clinic. She has recently appeared on Channel 31, JOY FM, been interviewed for the Herald Sun and other media. You can contact MovingMindsets at www.movingmindsets.com.au.